Monday, August 22, 2016

Pigs N' Taters: not so much pigs, as pig-flavored...

The requisite cat picture at the top of the blog
Photo by amberaccb via Flickr

I like chocolate covered potato chips. A lot. Last Christmas, Grimaldi Candy Company, located here in Melbourne, FL, started selling their chocolate covered potato chips at Publix. I must have gone through a dozen boxes. (They should have more in them, if you ask me.)

A long time ago, back when Hubs spent a few months in Iowa for work and I visited him, and we took a vacation around those parts, I bought a piece of bacon covered in chocolate at some shop in the Mall of America. Let's just say I was more impressed by the mall than by the bacon covered in chocolate.

I'm a very big fan of chocolate. And a very big fan of bacon. But I didn't think they went together all that well.

Still, when I came across this chocolate bar at the Cracker Barrel* today, I thought I should give it a try.

That's "Milk Chocolate with Crispy Bacon Flavored Bits & Potato Chips."


It's impressively thick and smooth.

It doesn't look like anything's in there. But it tastes like...salty chocolate, with a hint of meaty, almost smokey flavor. It was just weird enough that I only ate a few of those chunky rectangles before I decided I didn't want to eat it anymore. I think they should have gone for actual bacon bits instead of generic bacon-flavored bits (whatever those might be). But maybe there's a shelf life issue there.

Unfortunately, the aftertaste was like spoiled, I had to finish off with a Dove Dark Chocolate.

It was tough, but it had to be done.

*Here's a question--Is the Cracker Barrel restaurant and store any relation to the Cracker Barrel cheese?

Nope. Cracker Barrel Old Country Store (which a friend of one of my kids once didn't believe contained a restaurant) is not owned by Kraft, which owns the Cracker Barrel cheese label. They have apparently been at odds over some meat products that Cracker Barrel Old Country Store wanted to market using the Cracker Barrel label.

Whatever. As long as I have chocolate...

Friday, August 5, 2016

Everything wrong with us, consolidated into one turd of a man...

Here it is, as promised. And remember, Hugh Howey said I could.

Photo by Jill Carlson ( via Flickr

The vulgarity of the human animal lies in the gleeful eagerness with which it responds to manipulation of its supposed free will through fear, hatred, bigotry, and violence.

Donald Trump.

This loathsome turd of a human actually has fans. Supporters. Glassy eyed ignorant worshipers. And here's the kicker...they think people like me--people who see this puffed up narcissist as a tiny, foot-stamping, temper tantrum fascist--are blind. That's right. We're the ignorant fools who can't see what's right before our very eyes!

And what is it that's right before our very eyes?

Why 'Merika, of course. 'Merika needs to be saved! From the Mexicans and the gays. And the atheists. The Muslims! And the Libruls. Trump's insanity brigade believes that 'Merika used to be a better place. It was peaceful and cheerful and filled with hope everlasting. Western Civilization's crown, by gawd!

And then those damn black people started getting civil rights. Then slutty women could divorce their husbands and get edumacated. Then they got to vote! And have sex without getting pregnant! MY GAWD could it get any worse? YES! Gay people! They took over Disney World! They're holding hands and kissing in public! And now the Muslims are coming! The Muslims are coming!


They want to go back to the 'Merika that was white and Christian. Where people of color (I really hate that phrase because we all have color, you know) were in their particular place which didn't rub up against the better places. And woman were subservient. And gay people? Ha ha. You didn't hear much about THOSE kinds of things. They kept themselves hidden in closets back in the good old days.

Atheists? Madalyn Murray O'Hair. Need I say more? Muslims? What are those?!

You know what's really, really funny about these ignorant jerks? It's that some of them--yes, one in particular whom I used to know who liked to talk about Southern Heritage and recently told me that if you don't vote, you're not a 'Merikan!!--are actually the product of recent immigrants.

If you're wondering how it is that Republicans (if we can even call them that anymore) could froth at the mouth over a man with several wives, not all of whom were born here in 'Merika, and at least one of which has nude pics floating around (not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're talking about the sheer, brazen hypocrisy of these people!), and applaud people with accents at their convention, well, it's simple.

It's not that you have to be born here. It's not that you have to have the right shade of skin. It's that you have to believe what they believe: 'Merika needs to be taken back from the crazy idea that all men are created equal. Because they know that can't be true. White males willing to pay lip service to Christianity are much more equal than everyone else. Rich white males...even better!

Yes, 'Merika must be taken back! From the Libruls and the atheists and the gays and the Muslims! Because those people aren't real 'Merikans! They can't be!!! They just can't be!!! <Inset foot-stomping and frothing at the mouth here. And a lot of waving of tiny hands and screaming. You know what they say about big voices and little balls, right?>

Have you heard of reductio ad Hitlerum? How about Godwin's Law? These ideas make fun of the way people argue. Apparently, the longer an argument goes on, the more likely it is that one side or the other is going to accuse someone of acting like Hitler. Ah ha, we laugh. You said Hitler! You lose!

And now, here we are, watching our own tiny-handed buffoon of a fascist, goose-stepping his happy charges across the Constitution, and we aren't allowed to say Hitler? wtf?

Here's a little idea:

And everybody freaks out!!! It's not that bad! You lose! There are none so blind as those who cannot see how fucking beautiful and rich and important and so so super smart that he has all the best words Donald Trump is! Can't you see how he's going to make 'Merika better?

Uh, yeah. I see exactly what you're talking about. And it's ugly.

So, what would you be doing in 'Merika after a few terms of Trump? Oh, I think it's pretty clear.

If you are the product of recent immigrants, you're going to be in charge of determining who is 'Merikan enough to stay and who should go to the tribunal to see if they can be deported or put against the wall.

If you like to talk about your degrees in medicine (but you're not a doctor), you're going to get to see to the--ahem--health of the people put in camps. You know, the gays and the atheists and Buddhists, etc. Can you spell...experimentation? No, I didn't think so. You'll call it science.

Are you fairly well edumacated? You get to be Trump's advisers on science policy (if your degree isn't in science, because all the scientist will be up against the wall).

Super Conservative Christian? Well, there's a plethora--apologies--lot of things you get to do. Sit on school boards, hold minor offices, major offices, run the national church. It's about time, right? Damn that misinterpretation of the First Amendment.

Gun nut? I mean, seriously lunatic gun-toting fanatic? Just move right on into those Trump militias and police departments. You're going to be so happy taking away everyone else's guns. Because once all the right people are in charge, you know you can't let the wrong people actually have guns! Bwahahaha. Of course not.

I know, I know. This is silly. But the reality of it is maybe not so obvious. Those people who adore Trump...they would be nearly orgasmic if this actually happened.

You like to think that your fellow Americans are smart and kind, and love freedom. But about half of them aren't and don't. What about half of Americans want is to be able to force the other half to live the way they think is the correct way to live. And the correct way is Christian, straight, and in your place.

The problem is that this disgustingly ugly vulgarity is no longer a fringe lunatic problem. It's now mainstream, thanks to the Republican Party. Yes, that's right. I'm blaming the Republican Party. And the religious right that took it over around the time Ronald Reagan got elected.

They call themselves the party of family. But we know now they only mean white, Christian, straight families.

They say they're champions of faith. But we know now they only mean Christianity.

They claim to support our troops. But we know now they only mean white, Christian soldiers.

They claim to love freedom. But we know now they mean only for themselves and no one else.

They claim to want less government. But we know now they want to intrude into the private lives of women and gays and adherents of any religions they don't like.

They claim to be the party of fiscal responsibility. But we know now they are the party that wants to make the rich richer.

If history is any judge, and I suppose it is, this is a normal, natural progression in the human animal. See this article, History tells us what may happen next with Brexit & Trump, for more on that. But there are other progressions happening as well.Democracy, for one, is spreading. Civil rights are on the upswing compared to a few hundred years ago. As a species we are slowly growing more tolerant of one another as the world shrinks.

But the intolerant will not give in without a fight. A lot of fights, actually. And they fight ugly. They're vile, feisty, bigoted little creatures who don't give a shit whether you were born here or not. Only they get to say what is best for this country and if you don't agree, they want you to leave.

That's what's got Donald Trump this far. Bigotry, hate, ignorance and a perverted sense of self. It's clear in every disgusting thing that comes out of his mouth. And it's clear in all of the people fawning over him. What is wrong with people that they can be so putrid?

Trump and his fans are turds. They're all steaming piles of turd.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Another rambling post by an unfocused bonkers writer...

Photo by Mon OEII via Flickr

Do you ever think you have no idea what you're doing? Ever feel like you're floundering around, gasping for air, like a big blob of fish on the pier? And everybody's looking at you, wondering what the hell you're doing and why don't you just flop over the side into the ocean and swim already?


Okay. Never mind then.

I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't felt like it. That's right. I just haven't felt like it.

I did write a really long blog post about this puffed up buffoon. A little bully child-man. I really hate that man. I didn't publish the post. But it felt really good to write it. I might still publish it. Hugh Howey pretty much gave me permission. He posted this on his Facebook page:

I know there are a lot of writers who won't speak their minds about politics or religion because they fear losing readers. My position was always that, if you're the kind of person who won't read an author's book because you don't like his opinions on politics and religion, you're not my target audience anyway.

And it's not like I haven't ventured into controversial topics before. I've talked about guns and the Confederate flag and feminists and misogynists and other things that bother me. But I've also talked about roaches and bananas and Epcot and The Easter Sunday blood and gore Peeps diorama competition...

I write about everything and anything.

This is the problem with being me. I don't have any real focus.

They say (they...the "experts") that your blog has to have a specific purpose, something readers are looking for. You have to show them something, or teach them something. Each post is supposed to be focused on that.

That's why a lot of writers have blogs about writing. How you write, how you publish, how you promote. Some people have blogs about books, or cats, or food. So, you subscribe to that blog because that's what you want to read about.

But not me. I don't blog that way. I just write whatever I feel like writing and if I don't feel like writing, I don't write anything. It's like, the Internet is my own personal diary space. I'm shouting out, into the void. Here's what I'm thinking at this particular time and if you don't want to read it, fine by me.

Clearly, this is not the path to the standard rich and famous contract. But that's just it. If the standard rich and famous contract has terms that say I can only write about this one thing, forget it. I'm a writer. Not a romance writer or a literary fiction writer or a fantasy writer or a non-fiction writer. I'm just a writer.

An unfocused, undisciplined, stubborn, bonkers writer. Works for me.

I posted my Red Velvet Cake recipe over on my personal website, if you're interested. I'm almost finished with the latest Dianna Dann downer fiction (aka literary) book. You can check out the cover at the Wayward Cat Publishing website. It's called Bury Me. Oh, what the hell, I'll post the cover here:

I bet you can't guess what it's about. Go on. Guess.

I have three finalists in the Royal Palm Literary Awards competition. Bookish Meets Boy by Dianna Dann in the women's fiction category. Zombie Cats by Dana Trantham in the middle grade fiction category. And a flash fiction piece called Witness.

What's funny is that I only entered Witness because you get two flash fiction entries for the price of one. The entry that was my favorite--the one I thought could win--didn't make it to finalist. Wtf? I'm working on a short story now (and by now I mean it's started and I'll get to it again from time to time) that I plan to enter next year.

That's all, then. I'll get that post on buffoonery ready to go and slap you with it. And I promised a post on sewing vs. writing. That's a winner right there! Everybody wants to read that! I'm not unfocused after all, see? That should be my blog: Sewing vs. Writing.

It'll only work if I can manage to tie in politics, religion, and bananas.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Sewing 101--a writers block diversion

You said there was food up here...

A lot has happened since my last post on sewing. I bought a new serger. I took (and continue to take) online classes. I created a pattern from a favorite tee and made one. And I've done some other projects. I'm going to show it all off now. Well, except for the serger. It's a serger; nothing special.

And next week, or in a few days, maybe, I'm going to write another post about writing and sewing, because they have a lot in common, as it turns out.

Anyway, there was so much that I didn't remember about sewing when I made that first project. I'd even forgotten about clipping curves! Now that I look back at it, I don't think I'll wear that top. It's almost too awful to donate. But live and learn.

So, my next project (never being one to start slow) was to create a pattern from my favorite tee. I laid the shirt out on brown Kraft paper (laid atop my cardboard cutting mat) and poked pin holes outlining the front and back. Then I connected the dots, added seam allowances, and traced it all onto some fancy pattern paper I ordered from Amazon.

Here's the original tee:

I think I got it at Target or Kohl's. Unfortunately, I cut the tag off long ago so I can't applaud the company that made it. It's so comfortable and drapey. I love it! And I want more like it. I was...only somewhat successful. But of course, you have to choose the right fabric.

Here's what I made:

It's way too short because, well, I don't know why. It was just not even on the hem and I had to cut it a lot to make it even. The fabric I chose was a very loose, open-weave knit. Sewing it was a real pain in the ass. The fabric kept getting pulled down into the machine under the needle. I was taking classes by this time and learned that I could get stabilizer to put under it to keep that from happening. I did that for the hem. Luckily, you can't actually see the stitching on the neck and sleeves so you can't tell what an awful job I did!

Here's a close up of the fabric.

I used the wrong side of the fabric for the facing and turned up the sleeve hems that way, too. But I felt like it would cut my body in half if it had the black line at the bottom hem, so I turned that under. I really like this top and will wear it a lot.

After that, I took this dress I bought from Zulily by a company called Aster by Fermiana and turned it into a tunic.

It was not easy! The lace on the bottom was in two long pieces. I cut them off and pinned them up higher and just, well, did my best. It's not even, but it wasn't even when it was a dress. It's meant to look wonky. The band at the top, across the chest, was a strip of lace, so I took some of the fabric I'd cut off from the length and sewed it on--very sloppily--behind it, so it wasn't see-through.

I thought myself rather clever by this point. But held back on draping and designing my own tunic, figuring I still had quite a lot to learn. The more classes you take, the more you realize how clueless you are. 

I mean, not only had I forgotten about clipping curves, I didn't know there were different types of needles and pins for woven and knit fabrics. I didn't even know the difference really between the two. I kept calling woven fabric cotton, and knit, knit. But of course, knit fabrics are also made of cotton.

The classes at Craft University and Craftsy are excellent! Right now, I'm taking Teach Yourself to Sew on DVD from Threads magazine.

Anyway, so I thought I'd make some more projects from ready made patterns, hoping I would learn more before I made some more patterns of my own.

This was my next project: 

I really like how it turned out. Of course, I couldn't follow the instructions exactly because I wanted to serge the seams and put the sleeve in flat instead of in the round. I basted each set of seams first, and then tried it on. If it looked good, I took it to the serger. Below, you can see how I learned to use a strip of stabilizer for the shoulder seams.

And below is just some serged seams. They make it so much cleaner and professional. You can see that I used the typical right side of this jersey as the wrong side. At first, I thought this was the wrong side, but as I learned from my classes, the side with the ridges is actually the right, or knit, side. But this top looks much nicer with the pearl side as the right side.

I purchased a twin needle for the hem, but when I tried it out on some extra fabric, I couldn't get it to not leave a ridge between the two rows of stitching. One of my instructors explained how to keep it from doing that--you make sure the left needle is just off the raw edge of the fabric, but that didn't help at all. Luckily, I have this cool stretch stitch on my machine. Another instructor called it the jersey stitch. It's decorative, and allows for stretch. I love it!

I'll try out that twin needle on some other projects and see if I can't make some use of it.

Another thing I did was make a cover for my sewing machine.

The cover that came with the machine is a hard, molded piece of plastic. I stored it away in a closet. I wanted something that I could fold up and set aside and put back on easily. I'm going to make another for the serger in a bit.

I'm having a great time sewing. I think the biggest lesson I've learned is to go slow. 

My local Hancock Fabrics is going out of business. They all are, though, aren't they? I've been checking in every week or so, collecting fabrics at discounted prices. I ended up buying a storage cabinet to keep it all in. By the time they close, I'll have enough fabric for dozens of projects! The only problem now is that I don't think I'll have enough room in my closet for it all. 

I also discovered this super thick blanket yarn by Bernat at Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft. When football season starts, I'm going to crochet another afghan. It still won't really be cool enough here in Florida to work with yarn on your lap, but I'm certainly not going to do it this summer.

This is all well and good. I'm being creative. And I am still writing. I think I may have gotten over the worst part of losing faith in the whole thing and I've made some headway on my latest manuscripts. I think the sewing helps, but it looks like I'll be lucky if I get two books out this year.

I hope all of your creative endeavors bring you happiness, too!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Guns, hunting, and stupidity...

GIF by Joel Telling via Flickr

(I apologize in advance for insinuating that you are stupid. Sometimes I'm just in one of those moods. But then again, some of the times I call you stupid, I really mean it. Oh, and PS. I have no clue what that "bozo" was all about.)

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I'd jump in with something controversial. GUNS! (da Da DA!) and HUNTING! (ooh)

I was going to start by saying this: I'm not against guns exactly; I'm against stupidity. And then I realized that probably all of my positions could be boiled down to being against stupidity--a truly viral infection among humans.

TL; DR version: Guns are bad and you're stupid. Hunting is okay to a point, after that you're stupid.

You want to know what I really think? I think that guns should absolutely be regulated. A person should have to take classes on using guns (think of the jobs that would create), take tests every so often, both written and practical, get a permit, etc. etc. You know, all of those things vocal Second Amendment Lovers are against.

Guns are, to put it succinctly, which isn't my strong suit, deadly weapons.

<high pitched whiny shrieking> So are knives and pencils and, and, this spoon! I could kill you with this spoon right now! 

Except of course, if we stop to look at it rationally, guns are more deadly than any of those things. Guns are designed to kill and they kill much more efficiently than knives, bows 'n arrows, swords, and even hand grenades because they're more precise than hand grenades. I mean, you pull the pin and toss a grenade and people run and who knows what you'll end up blowing up, right? A gun? You aim and you shoot and shoot and shoot. You hit people you weren't even aiming at! Even cops make that mistake sometimes.

So, stop saying stupid stuff like that.

<pitiful, angry whining> Cars kill more people than guns. 

For crying out loud. Not on purpose. And you have to take a test and pay fees to drive a car, bozo.

There are crazy people in this country right now (like, out in the open!) saying that we would all be safer if we ALL had guns! These people are out of their minds. Look, I get it. Some of you reading right now aren't stupid. (But, what are the chances, right?) But you have to know, being how smart you are and everything, that most of the people around you are not the sorts of people you want waving a gun around. Sure, making them take classes and tests might not solve the problem completely (look at some of the drivers on the road, amiright?) but it would go a long way to help. And that's all we can expect with all this stupid running around.

But seriously, if you think that arming every citizen is a good idea...I just...the stupid is ripe with you, my friend.

My first point, then, is this--owning a gun does not make you safer. If you think it does, well, you're wrong. There is no way in hell that owning a deadly weapon could, by any wild stretch of the imagination, which is basically what you're using, make you safer. And it certainly makes your entire family decidedly less safe.

Some time back, at least where I live, wrought iron bars on your windows were all the rage. People thought they made them safer. Turns out the bars on your windows raised your chances of dying in a house fire significantly more than they kept you safe from burglars, rapists, and murderers. But the bars made people feel safe, so screw facts. (I think they've finally made the bars easier to get through from the inside, but as anyone who's been in an overturned car filling with water will tell you, trying to get the latch undone in a panic sometimes leads to death.)

In the same way, owning a gun significantly increases your risk of being shot. Funny that. And not all of that risk can be linked to the fact that people who own guns tend to be more violent.

Does any of this mean you can't own a gun? No. You can own guns if you want. (And I can see that owning a gun might be necessary in certain circumstances.) But because of their very nature, you ought to have to prove you know what you're doing before you buy one. Oh, don't worry. That's never going to happen. Seriously, if that didn't happen after a bunch of little kids were murdered in a classroom, it's never going to happen. There are too many stupid, ignorant, crazy, immoral people in this country. So, pull your panties out of your butt.

Okay, so we're clear on that. Guns are dangerous and if you want to own one, you should know what you're doing. I think it's really funny that people actually think they do know what they're doing with guns. They have these grandiose, wild wild west scenarios in their heads where they respond to active shooter situations just like the trained professionals. In your dreams, buddy.

I don't know about you people, but I would absolutely prefer to take my chances waiting for the pros than have you running around shooting. And when the professionals arrive, where does that put you? It would be funny if it weren't so scary. I'll laugh about it later, I suppose.

And I have to say, people who own guns and talk about them as if they are toys make me pretty sick. "Oh, yeah, I just got a new gun. You should see this beauty." Please. This is the same mentality balding old men have concerning their cars. Grow up.

A lot of people want to own guns because they like to hunt. I'm okay with hunting to a certain degree. I mean, I get it. Venison is good. So if you want to go out and shoot a deer so you can have some, that's okay by me. Rabbit, duck, whatever. And if you want to hang out with your hunting buddies and get chummy and hide behind bushes or whatnot and aim and shoot (like it's an even match between you and the animal), yeah, go ahead. More power to you.

But when you cross that line from hunting because you want to eat some venison and you'd like to kill it yourself, over to hunting because you like to kill animals...yeah, well, that's creepy. It's human, I'll give you that. But it's still creepy.

And if you want to go to some preserve where all the animals are put inside a fence so you can pretend you're a great hunter and shoot some, that's just sad.

But worse, if you want to shoot an animal for no other reason than shooting and killing it, you're vile. Big game hunter? What the fuck is your problem?

I applaud your resistance to the ethical evolution of the human animal--I really do. <clap...clap...clap>

Let me tell you, if I had to wring a chicken's neck for dinner, I'd do it. If I had to hunt a rabbit or a deer to eat, I'd do it. If I lived on a farm and had to shoot the wolf going after my sheep, I'd do it. But I would do it with respect, because my first inclination on seeing a wild animal is little different from when I see a puppy.

What is wrong with you that you want to kill the puppy?


So, there you have it. As with pretty much everything else, I am a woman of nuance. I don't like black-and-white thinking. And I don't like stupid. But for some reason, I like to write about it.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Sewing riding a bike?

My first sewing project is finally finished. It's been ages since I sewed anything. So, I started with this super easy pattern.

Unfortunately, I didn't bother to fit the pattern. Well, I did hold a piece up to my dress form and think, "That might work." But it didn't. I used the bust size on the pattern package and it said I should make the medium. This was my first try:

It was ginormous! I think medium in pattern world must be XXL. So, I smallened it. I took an inch off either side, and then went ahead and hemmed it. But it was still too big! I also didn't like the way the neckline didn't lie flat.

So, I smallened it some more, this time taking two inches off either side. I used one of my favorite shirts as a guide. Then, I laid the pattern piece on it, to see what size I should have made and incredibly, it's a tad smaller in the waist and hips than the XXS! That's just stupid.

I folded the neck facing under and sewed it down with some top stitching.

And, instead of redoing the hem, or fudging it to make it even, I just folded under the little flap that was left hanging, and sewed some top stitching all the way up. That was a wild ride. I actually sewed down the seam allowance through the armhole! All the way down the garment. I was really thinking I was a genius. I mean, I'd seen that sort of thing done on the sewing shows, but I hardly dared to think I could do it. But I did!

So, here it is in its finality...maybe.

I say maybe because about two inches from the bottom edge, on the front, it looks like I burned it with the iron. You can't see it really, but I can. So, I might add two layers of ruffle, or some other embellishment. It's comfortable, so I might actually wear it!

Let's look at the before and after, side by side.

You can really see the difference in size. The neckline is much bigger than the pattern picture above, but that's no doubt because I started with medium instead of small, and then folded the facing under. If I ever use that pattern again, I'll start smaller.

The only things I remember making years ago were aprons for Christmas presents, and one very easy-to-sew top. And I remember using cotton. I know I must have used knit fabric at some point, but I don't remember it.

This knit was difficult to work with! For one thing, I never used to wash my fabric before using it, but I washed all of them this time (I bought enough for a lot of projects because I had to go all the way to Merritt Island to find a great fabric store). So, trying to refold this stuff and get it straight wasn't easy.

And sewing it was a bear. It curls on the edges. It slips and slides. But once I got into it, I managed pretty well. It's just a matter of practice.

I really love my new Husqvarna Opal 650!

The only problem I had was that I was working on a card table and whenever I got going at a nice speed, the machine bounced all over the place. I've ordered a new table/desk and it should arrive any day now.

I went with this Samber computer desk from Sauder:

It's sturdy and heavy, and didn't cost a fortune like most sewing tables do. For some reason, I don't care much for the inset thing with sewing machines. (Maybe because those sorts of tables run about $400!)

And this one is longer than it looks--almost 60 inches.

For my next project, I'm making my own pattern! I know, I know. I don't understand working my way up. I'll take pictures and blog again when I'm finished with it. Knowing how long it took me on this project, it'll be a while.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

The Princess tangent...

Writer's Digest March/April 2016

Okay, so there's that. Always Magnolia took an Honorable Mention in the mainstream/literary category in the 23rd Annual Writer's Digest Self-published Book Awards.

Wayward Cat Publishing and its url are right there in the listing! This is the highest honor I've received so far, so no dissing it! I consider myself a proper celebrity now and expect all due deference. Bows, kissing the hand, that sort of thing. I have perfected the princess wave already--I've been at work on that for years and years. All I lack at this point is the tiara. Do they make tiaras with Cross pens on them? Because that's what I want.

And this:

It's a tiara pen! You can get all three of them at Amazon for $28.95 plus $14.95 shipping and handling. It comes from London! I could autograph my books with it at book festivals. I could write up all my notes with it. Use it at the grocery store to cross things off my list.

"Oh, this old thing?" I could say with a giggle. "Why, I use this pen when I can't find one of my many life-size tiaras."

It's true, you know. I never really got over not being born a princess. There's just something wrong with this world I'm in. Here I am in all my princessly finery still having to cook dinner and scrub the toilet. I would like a Jeeves. I have a Roomba; why not a Jeeves to go with it? And my Roomba comes with a remote control, so I don't even have to bend over to turn her on! I want a Jeeves with a remote control. (Doesn't every woman?)

In May, my oldest son is getting married. I should go as a princess. Jeeves and Roomba can come along as my entourage. I'll carry my tiara pen as a scepter. I don't think this dress will be too much, do you?

 You can get it from PromGirl for only $495. I mean, I can get it there. Because I totally am! I deserve it!

I have put in the hours! I have stomped my feet! My princess pedigree has been stamped, people!

Bow. Kiss the hand. Wave.

Thank you, thank you all for this high honor.