Friday, September 30, 2011

Stupid chocolate sayings

I've had a baggie filled with Dove dark chocolate wrappers on my desk forever. For some reason, at some point, I found the sayings on the inside of the wrappers ridiculous enough to want to save them and blog about them later. But once they were in the bag, I guess they weren't stupid enough to get around to.

But today I'm avoiding real work because my husband is home. I don't know why I can't write fiction when he's around. I can blog. I can't write articles. But I can't do the fiction thing. It's bizarre. And it's not like he stands in my office pouting or something. He's in another room. I can even close the door and pretend he's at work. But, really, I can't. This is something that will eventually have to be worked out, no?

So, on to chocolate wrappers. I think the people at Dove think they're real cute. But I've never been the type of person to like silly sayings that sound like they're deep and meaningful, until you think about them and they turn out to be stupid. And Dove chocolate-wrapper sayings are a lot like that.

Here are some of my favorites:

"Promise to stop and smell the chocolate."
This one is necessary, really. Clearly the Dove team knows that I've got a pile of chocolates on the table next to me while I watch Project Runway and I'm unwrapping them and shoving them into my mouth much too quickly. So, they need to remind me once in a while to slow down and enjoy. What they don't know is that lately I haven't been paying any attention at all to the sayings. Instead, I ball the wrapper up into a red pea. Naturally, without the reminder, I've gone back to manic stuffing. I've always thought that chocolate was meant to fill the entire mouth.

"Enjoy the childhood joys of winter."
I don't like the use of enjoy so close to the word joy. But I can get over that. I grew up in Central Florida. The only joy I can think of is the kooky neato thing of being able to go outside barefoot, wearing shorts, a top, and a sweater. If you want to have hot chocolate in the winter in Florida, you might get one or two evenings suitable; otherwise, you have to turn the AC way down. That's why I prefer to just eat chocolates.

"Happiness is one bite away."
Nice. Thanks Dove for encouraging me to continue to see happiness in food, instead of in self-awareness, intellect, and actually producing something worthwhile. I'll just sit here some more and eat.

"Chocolate therapy is oh, so good."
This goes right back to it equaling happiness. If you're depressed or upset, just eat some Dove chocolates. If they don't make you happy, it's clearly your fault.

"A good love is delicious because you can never get enough."
What? Wouldn't that be akin to having an itch that won't go away no matter how much cortisone and scratching you apply? What they want you to do, apparently, when you take this one with the last two, is see Dove chocolate as love and just keep eating it. That's why it's delicious, see? Because you just can't get enough of it. I really should discuss how the saying in itself makes absolutely no sense. But I think that goes over on the other blog.

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be."
Sitting on the couch watching The First 48, gorging on chocolate?

"Perseverance is a synonym for victory."
No, it's not. Take Westboro Baptist Church. Those people persevere. And they're insane! They are not victorious by any definition of the word up with which I can come. (He, he. That made me think of upchuck and I was talking about Westboro Baptist Church.)

"Here's to something more powerful than chocolate. Hope."
Okay, first of all, while I'm eating your chocolates don't tell me there's something more powerful. Because, first of all there probably isn't. And second, it wouldn't be hope. Hope has no power whatsoever. It involves no action, no commitment, no power at all. It's just hoping. I'll take chocolate any day. Lucky for you, Dove people.

And finally, I found one wrapper--one wrapper in all my years of scarfing dark chocolates and reading the silly sayings--that actually applies to me!

"A pessimist is really an optimist with experience."
Thank you, Youla, from Jamaica, NY! You sound like my kind of gal.


  1. I have had dive chocolate for years..the saying have were pretty neat..but the last year until now they are putting the dumbest crap in them.

    1. You're so right. They're even worse now. I don't read them anymore, but my husband insists on showing me that he's supposed to "have a good hair day" and "embrace his inner" something or other.

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  3. I found this after eating a Dove Promise that said "Start a game of tag with your friends." What?! I put these in my guest gift bags at my wedding in 2009, and I don't remember the sayings being so terrible.

    1. My hubs gets one that says something like, "there are no bad hair days" a lot. Of course, if you're going to buzz all your hair off regularly...

      I can picture the Dove team now, sitting around a board room table shouting out the first crazy things in their heads and laughing at we chocolate lovers desperate for wisdom.

  4. Just tried a few Caramel / Milk Chocolate Dove bites and actually got so frustrated with the stupid sayings that I gave the rest of the bag away. "Teach your grandmother to take a selfie" -- why, because I want to encourage narcissistic behaviors in a family member? "Watch more cartoons" -- because I've never had an interest in anything buffoonish, but will now? "Introduce your chocolate noir to film noir" -- why, because film noir isn't bad enough as it is?

    Honestly, these "brand promises" make me detest the brand more than if they just put smiley faces under the wrapper.

    1. I still eat them. But I find a great deal of satisfaction in gleefully/furiously wadding the wrappers up into little balls without reading them. Take that, Dove!

  5. The dove commercial is equally dumb! The one with the French song playing while the little girl eats Dove chocolate thru the day & it looks like she becomes old & Very wrinkled at the end like that's what happens to you if you eat Dove chocolate!

    1. Either that, or it makes you insane. Because I can't tell if maybe this old woman is walking around all day thinking she's just a kid. Very confusing. But the thing that gets me most in these ads is the way the people eat the chocolate. It's a one-bite piece of chocolate. The whole thing goes in your mouth! I mean, sure, if you nibble on it like a mouse one piece will last you all day. But does anybody actually eat a Dove chocolate like that?