Friday, October 7, 2011

J Lo thinks she's all that

I'm no fashion expert, but I do watch Project Runway (each episode at least twice) so I think that makes me qualified to criticize J Lo's new clothing line. It's called: Jennifer Lopez. Very creative.

My first impression wasn't good.

Compare J Lo's television ad with Sofia Vergara's for Kmart. You can tell right away that J Lo takes herself way too seriously...and she's not good at it.

First, you really shouldn't design clothes based on where you came from. Where you came from is yesterday. And that's pretty much what I thought about the sequined top. So '70's--only not as good, frankly.

And second, J Lo should stop trying to look serious when she talks. She has a happy, girly voice. Someone please tell her to stop pouting like a supermodel if she intends to speak. It doesn't work.

So, imagine my surprise when I found myself at Kohl's yesterday pulling a top?tunic?dress? off the rack and discovered, to my amusement, that I was in the Jennifer Lopez section. I wandered around a bit and actually got to see the godawful sequined top. I did not try it on.

I chose a lot of cothing and when I went to the registers, I was third in line. Those Kohl's people were on the ball, and an announcement was made that more cashiers were  needed. I was ushered over to the jewelry counter.

I noticed that the jewelry lady took some of my purchases off their hangers, wadded them up, and laid them aside. Others, she left on the hangers. After I paid, she tossed my wads in a bag, turned to me and said, "I'm so sorry, but I have to take you over to the other registers now. You bought some things in the Jennifer Lopez collection and they have to be bagged on the hangers."

"That J Lo," I said. "She thinks she's all that."

Jewelry Lady also had to ask one of the other cashiers if the top?tunic?dress? I bought had a security device in it. A security device? For that thing?

As she hung my special, fancy, lah-ti-dah Jennifer Lopez clothes on a high bar and pulled a bag over the top of them, she turned to me again, rolled her eyes and said, "You have no idea how much trouble this collection was. Everything came in full of wrinkles. I was here all last night steaming."

"Lucky me," I said. "I bought wrinkly clothes."

When I got home, it turned out that the top?tunic?dress? was the only Jennifer Lopez piece I'd purchased. Jewelry Lady had also hung two Vera Wang: Simply Vera pieces: a simple top with some seriously funky sleeves, and the most beautiful, flattering slubbed open front cardigan* I've ever seen.

That I get. Vera Wang is what you call a designer. It's what she does for a living. Her clothes are worth carrying out of the store on their hangers.

*Uh, yeah, I took that description from the website. Like I knew what the heck slubbed meant before this morning. And the top?tunic?dress? is a "chevron shirred tunic." The sequined horror is merely "embellished." Seriously, the Kohl's buyers looked from the ghastly top, to J Lo, back and forth a few more times, and said...we'll say it's "embellished."

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