Sunday, July 16, 2017

Why Spider-Man: Homecoming was not a great movie

Photo by tsackett via Flickr

Spider-Man: Homecoming was just okay. Two reasons.*

1. It didn't make sense from the start.

I'm supposed to believe that Iron Man gave this kid a suit and let him fight in this big battle at the end of the last Avengers movie and then blew him off for a few months. For no reason. Later, he even tells him he's just not ready to be an Avenger. More later, he takes the suit back. I'm just not buying it. This was just a plot device meant to get Spider-Man on his own. It could have been handled so much better and wouldn't have had me disappointed at the outset.

Stark could have told the kid that in a few months he'd be able to spend a lot of time with him training him on all the cool stuff the suit could do. He just can't at the moment. "For now," he'd say, "could you just be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man? But be careful." He'd put that Happy dude on him, but Peter would keep bugging the guy about silly stuff like a teen girl swooning over the Avengers. "What's Thor really like? Does that archer guy have anything else going for him? Is Captain America mad at me?" Etc. Happy would get so peeved, he'd stop taking Peter's calls.

And there you'd have it. Spider-Man, on his own for a while. This, of course, would mean that Iron Man couldn't come to the rescue and say "screwed the pooch" over and over again. Oh, no! Spider-Man would have to learn to battle the bad guys on his own. Yeah. That's how hero stories work.

And sure, they tried to lead into the next film having Spidey blow off the Avengers at the end thus leaving him on his own once more. But it won't work. It can't work.

Spider. Nom nom nom.
Photo by Vicki S via flickr

Because of 2. The Avengers.

I get that the Avengers are a good thing for that woman played by Scarlett Johansson and that archer dude. They're never going to be able to carry their own films. Hulk should never get another solo deal either, so good for him. Even Captain America is played, if you ask me.

But the Avengers suck for the major players--Iron Man, Thor, Spider-Man--because now, when they're fighting off some epic bad guy, everyone is wondering...where are the Avengers? Why aren't they helping?

And we'll be asked to believe that Tony Stark is in London or something, even though we already know he could at least send a suit or two. Or Thor is...what...on some other planet? It's not going to work. For two reasons.

A. As stated, where they heck are the Avengers? And
B. Spider-Man (Iron Man, Captain America, etc.) can't get through a film without some other Avenger showing up to try to explain to the audience why the Avengers aren't there when they need to be, but are there at just the right spots to remind us that they exist as a unit...except during solo films.

Nope. Not going to work.

The Avengers have ruined solo films and there are too many of them to make Avengers films any good. So, we're done here.

Unless we ruin the Avengers. Send Thor back to wherever he came from and close whatever portal brought him here. (This would mean, thank the gods, that the Guardians of the Galaxy won't have to be mixed up in the mess either.)

Just kill off Natasha and that archer guy. Keep the Black Panther in Africa for the most part. (Black Panther looks like it's going to be really good. If they can just pretend the Avengers never happened to him, it will be.) Have Tony Stark's ego make him go off on his own. Drop Captain America (he's so...wholesome. Keep the videos, though. Yeah, he can do videos for the real super heroes.) And let Spider-Man be Spider-Man again.

Remember when the super heroes had their own cities? Batman was in Gotham and Superman was in...the Emerald City? I don't know or care; Superman is cheap. I know, I know they're two completely different universes, but that's the point. Give them territories or something. If you have to bring them together once in a while, fine. Fine. Just effin fine. But make it clear that it's a very unusual thing and it's not gong to happen often. And it's only really happening to give that archer guy something to do.

And then they shake hands and return to where they belong to fight evil in their own neighborhoods.

Everything will be so much simpler. And before you call me a curmudgeon bemoaning the good ole days, know this: simple stores are the best stories.

So, that's it. That's why Spider-Man is ruined.

*No. I'm not going to say "spoiler alert." If you're idiotic enough read a blog post that says it's going to tell you why a movie sucked thinking it won't contain spoilers, you don't deserve spoilers.

PS. Here's another big spoiler. I knew Michelle was going to turn out to be M.J.

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